"Who put a DILDO is my Oscar bag?"

*THE SYNDICATE DOES NOT EXIST*

While most Oscar nominees claim that just to be nominated for the award is an honor, losing can be a hard pill to swallow. Luckily, the Academy Awards have figured out a way to help wash the bitter taste of defeat right out of the mouths of those who don’t get to take home a little gold man to sit on their mantel: The gift bag, this year valued at $168,000.

The gift bags were put together by a company called Distinctive Assets, who assembled 21 gift bags, for the host as well as the losing nominees for best actor, best actress, best supporting actor, best supporting actress, and best director. (Play our Oscars Bingo during this year’s ceremony.) This year’s bag is the most valuable collection of swag ever assembled at an Oscars gifting suite, with the gifts ranging in price from $5 to $20,000.

The bags include an impressive array of incredible perks (free Silvercar Audi rentals for a year), slightly odd services (a $20,000 astrology reading), and treats that will probably never cross an A-list star’s lips (an $800 custom candy and dessert buffet).

Other gifts include a $12,500 glamping vacation from Terravelo Tours, a train trip on the Rocky Mountaineer, a nine-night Italian vacation package valued at $11,500, $4,000 worth of liposuction, a $1,200 Matrone bicycle, non-invasive L.E.D. light therapy, and $25,000 of custom furniture perfect for giving their Malibu pad a special look.

Since the gift bags are intended as consolation prizes, that means the stars who receive them won’t have an Oscar to play wingman. To help the stars improve their luck, this year’s bags include more than a little aphrodisiacal power, including a laser vibrator ($250), something called an “orgasm booster” created by the same doctor who invented the Vampire Facelift (valued at $5,000), as well as a sampling of “the world’s only luxury condom”.

While the gift bags are impressive, don’t be too jealous: Under the U.S. tax code, swag is taxable as income and celebs can expect to receive an IRS Form 1099 in the mail, even if they skip the gifting suite or donate the goodies to charity. The stars they are just like us, at least according to the I.R. S.