I'm Frank Finkle and this is my Conspiracy Theory.
I was at the drug store the other day when I realized: What if the American public was taking pharmaceutical DRUGS they DON'T NEED in order boost corporate profits?
My guess today is the heads of Eli-Lily. They are a major producer of many drugs sold world wide.
Gentlemen, why does it cost more money for the same drug in the US that cost less anywhere else, no matter the country?
You don't like our business, smart guy?
I'm only asking a reasonable question about prices.
Look, talk show guy, we brought with us a couple of testimonials to prove our products help people:
Minnie Mouse from Lotsocash, Florida
"Oh heavens, ever since I started taking Eli-Lily drugs, I stop hearing voices in my head telling me to kill and write racial slurs on the internet. Thank you Eli-Lily"
And this one is from Goofy Silverstein in Credit Card, Vermont:
"Ever since I complained to my doctor that I was feeling a back ache, he told me I was depressed, and gave me a prescription to cheer me up. Now I'm happy...back still hurts, but I'm happy. Thank you Eli-Lily."
See, we help people.
Sure, we make a slight profit from the misfortune of others, but I ask you, what's being healthy worth to you?
But not all your products make people better. Sometimes people get worse because of you and often times they wind up dead after taking your products. What about that?
If their doctors tell them to take our products, we're not 100% responsible for that.
But, don't you send out sales representatives with free samples and ask doctors to push your products onto unsuspecting people at their time of need? What do say about that?
You know what? You ask a lot of questions for a guy who's got all the answers.
How would you like a couple of pills to take care of that for you? Lou...get the chainsaw.
Tune in tomorrow, when we'll tackle real conspiracies of the day. And don't forget to shop at Maury's House of Bagels. When you think Maury...think bagels. Goodnight.
Ask your doctor if bagels is right for you.
Get the fuckin' chainsaw, Lou...
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