"Things that ONLY happen in PORN"

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO presentation*

1. Getting a pizza delivered to your house. There are a lot of reasons you'll probably never actually have sex with the person who is bringing food to your house. In porn, it's always "Oh, I ordered a pizza but forgot I don't have money. Can I pay you in fucking?" But even assuming you actually get someone delivering pizza who's of age, here's why you still couldn't ask them if it's too late to order "extra sausage."

• The delivery person probably has other deliveries to make. If they're having sex with you, those pizzas are getting cold and they're going to be late. They're really screwing up your day.
• What is the delivery person going to tell their boss when they get back? Sure, it's great for them that they just got laid, but it's not like they can tell their boss, "It's cool. We had sex. Also, no one else got their food." Your one delivery boy getting laid doesn't cover overhead costs. At all.
• You are probably hungry. You probably just want to eat the pizza.
• 

2. Calling the plumber. You take an entire day off work because the plumber gave you a 10-hour window, and he shows up with five minutes left. As you answer the door, you realize you didn't need to waste a day of work, because you're usually home by now anyway. He stays for 15 minutes and charges you $3,000 for 15 minutes of work. This isn't an attack on plumbers. They work hard, they have a lot of jobs to do in a given day, and their level of expertise means they can charge whatever they want. But there is nothing sexy about that situation. You are angry and your sink is clogged. There's no way you're like, "Yo, let me get on that.

3. Trying to get extra credit from your professor. In real life, your professor hates you and wants you to leave. The only way you're walking out of that classroom with a satisfied look on your face is if he decides to bump you up to a B-.

4. Getting in a fight with your stepmom. For some reason in porn, stepmothers always turn to their stepsons to tell them they're not getting laid enough and then they ... have sex? Your real-life stepmom is probably a pretty OK lady who doesn't have fake boobs.

5. Going for a checkup at the doctor. The only one screwing you here is your health insurance amirite? LOLOLOLOL. But seriously, you're spending an hour and a half in a waiting room while you watch a muted Maury episode soundtracked by three people who won't stop coughing. Your doctor is, like, 90 and for some reason, sitting on that weird thin paper mat they use makes you feel vulnerable. It is always cold. Even if you have an attractive doctor who you're interested in, there is no way you stand a chance after showing them the weird lump you have growing out of your side.

6. Paying the babysitter. Your babysitter just wants you to tip her so she can leave and tweet about how lame you are and then Snapchat all her friends while she drinks wine coolers and pops Addys. You are basically her dad. Also, porn movies with this premise are pretty disturbing because most babysitters are, like, 16. Way to go.

7. Having a review with your boss. The boss in porn is always sexy and toned and apparently has no fear of getting in trouble for nepotism. In real life, your boss is an old, married person who has the sex appeal of a cockroach (an unsexy cockroach).

8. Going to the gym. You think after spending an hour getting hot and sweaty with you while touching your taut muscles, your personal trainer is going to want to ... alright, this one is actaually pretty accurate.

ALIA JANINE "Comedy ain't funny"

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Porn and jokes: What would our sex lives be without them?

From a back office closet at the Huffington Post, we sat down with porn-star-turned-comedian Alia Janine to find out which which profession is filled with more dicks.

Janine, born in Milwaukee, was an exotic dancer out of high school, while also working as a security guard and armored car driver. At 30, she took the plunge into adult cinema. In a four-year blitz, she starred in more than 150 films -- shorts and features -- like "Boob Bangers 7," "MILF's Tale 3," "Boobaholics Anonymous 7" and "Titty Sweat 2."

Pleasuring yourself on camera might be hard, but standing on stage telling jokes about those eye-stinging money shots is even harder. Janine now works at clubs in New York and Los Angeles. She recently hosted Cutthroat Comedy at NYC's Cutting Room, where porn stars and comics team up for an evening of fleshlights and fun.

"JENNA JAMESON ain't news in PORN"

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO presentation*

Former adult actress Jenna Jameson promoting her erotic novel “Sugar” on October 25, 2013 at a Barnes and Noble in Los Angeles, California. (Valerie Macon/Getty Images)

This week the news surfaced that “Queen of Porn” Jenna Jameson is converting to Judaism. Jameson, who has been married twice before, is engaged to Israeli Lior Bitton (who works in L.A.’s diamond business and has been charged with stealing merchandise from his stores). Jameson’s Instagram page is filled with photos of challah and other kosher dishes she’s been cooking up; she’s even dropping  Hebrew words onTwitter.

As it it turns out, Jameson will be in great company — several other members of the tribe are (or have been) major stars in the adult film industry. In honor of Jameson’s high-profile conversion, we give you seven of the most famous Jews in porn.

You might not want to Google them in an office or other public place.

 

Ron Jeremy

Real name: Ronald Jeremy Hyatt

Jeremy is arguably the most famous porn star of all time. Born into a middle-class Jewish family in Queens, Jeremy went on to star in well over 2,000 adult films. He’s also been featured in almost every realm of popular culture since the 1980s — through small parts in films such as “Ghostbusters” and music videos for bands like Sublime and Guns N’ Roses — even if he now looks more like your goofy Jewish uncle than a porn legend.

 

James Deen

Real name: Bryan Matthew Sevilla

Deen is the most famous Jew — and one of the most famous people, period — working in the adult film world today. His unassuming “nice guy” demeanor has even won him female fans outside of the industry. He has also been very open about his Jewish upbringing (among other things, the public now knows helost his virginity at a Jewish summer camp).

 

Nina Hartley

Real name: Mary Louise Hartman

Hartley, now 56, is a bona fide porn legend, having starred in over 1,000 adult films and directed 18. After winning eight Adult Video News Awards throughout her career, she’s now a sex educator and speaker.

 

Joanna Angel

Real name: Joanna Mostov

Joanna Angel is believed to be the first porn star to enter the industry after living in an Orthodox home. After working at a kosher restaurant in Teaneck, New Jersey, and attending Rutgers University, she founded her own porn website and became one of the leaders of so-called “alt-porn” movement.

 

Michael Lucas

Real name: Andrei Treivas

Lucas — who was born in Russia and has lived in New York and Israel — has been one of the more successful Jews in the industry, as both a gay pornographic actor and an entrepreneur. His company Lucas Entertainment is the biggest gay adult film company in New York and has made some of the most expensive gay pornos of all time. He is fiercely pro-Israel and pro-gay rights, and in 2009 his film Men of Israel was the first adult movie to feature only gay Jewish actors.

 

Naomi

Real name: Naomi Russell

Russell, who was one of the more popular porn starlets in the late 2000s, has stated that her father is a rabbi. She was born in Los Angeles and has Israeli ancestry.

 

Seymore Butts

Real name: Adam Glasser

Butts – or Glasser, take your pick – was born in the Bronx to Jewish parents, whom he has said were involved in the “shmattah business.” As the Showtime reality series “Family Business” pointed out, his mother Lila has also been involved with the production and distribution of some of his films.

PORNstar Panty Sale!

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO presentation*

Popular porn performers can rake in close to a thousand dollars a month selling their used drawers to fans—and the trend has even spread online to non-pros.

I’ll admit it: the first time a guy asked to buy my used panties I was little uncomfortable with it. It was a common request and I knew girls that made hundreds of dollars a month selling their old pairs. Yet I felt awkward about it. My underwear was very personal to me, so instead I bought brand new ones, donned them for a quick photo, scented it with perfume, and sent them along. Little did I know I’d missed the point entirely. The fans that were interested in my used old underwear wanted the real thing—sweat and all. It was hard to comprehend at first, but panty connoisseurs like them dirty. Sometimes the dirtier the better.

Renowned adult star Tanya Tate had a similar experience when she sold her first pair of panties. She wore them, sprayed them with a bit of perfume, and shipped it off to her fan. “I’ll never forget it, the guy responded back, he said I really like your au natural smell and I really like the panties, but you don’t need to spray them with perfume,” says Tate. “It was then I realized they want to smell my personal scent. I suppose it’s part of their fantasy to not only see and hear you on the screen but also to smell you.”

Tate frequently takes requests from fans—some asking for regularly worn panties, while others put in requests for a post-orgasm pair. After the panties are worn, Tate seals them in a Ziploc bag before sending them out—an industry-wide standard procedure for this sort of thing. “Some of the guys have said they’ve never taken them out of the baggies because they didn't want to lose any of the scent.”

Perhaps just knowing they own a whiff of their favorite star is enough.

“I don’t just use a Ziploc bag, I have a special Starfall package: it’s a small clear box shaped like a Chinese takeout box with the little metal wire on top,” says Starfall.

Panty sales are such big business, some porn stars have invested in personalized packaging that goes beyond the standard Ziploc. Cindy Starfall explains how she uses the packaging to further establish her brand as a star. “I don’t just use a Ziploc bag, I have a special Starfall package: it’s a small clear box shaped like a Chinese takeout box with the little metal wire on top,” says Starfall. “I thought the idea for Chinese panty takeout would be fun because I’m Asian.”

Fans do more than just collect memorabilia; some take it a step further and use the worn panties to act out their fantasies. Starfall says some of her fans use the panties she sells in role-playing scenarios with their significant others. “A fan sent me photos of his girl wearing my panties,” says Starfall. “He said he fantasized about having a threesome.”

While the use of worn panties is only limited by the imagination, fetish model turned porn star Casey Calvert suspects there are primarily two types of people who buy used panties.

 “The first kind are guys who like it as memorabilia and want specific panties that were worn in a certain scene. It’s more personal than an autograph and it’s his way of owning a piece of that moment,” says Calvert. “The second type of guy is the one with a panty fetish, the guy who wants to wear them, smell them, touch them, maybe even use when he's pleasuring himself.” Considering the myriad requests she receives, Calvert considers the desire for used panties to be on the tame side. “Frankly, it’s fairly benign compared to some of the other things I get asked for.”

Collecting worn panties may not be any different than collecting a signed baseball to some fans. Nick, a self-professed superfan, suggests that aficionados want something tangible, a touchable item that connects them to their onscreen fantasy. Nick’s collected a great number of things from his favorite stars, and lingerie is certainly among them. “I’ve bought a piece for a scene, had it worn for me and sent back after it was worn. The allure is to have something personal, something only for you,” says Nick. “I think fans always look to own something small from a performer they like. If you’re going to spend your hard-earned money, you want something special.”

However it isn’t just fans that are buying used porn stars’ dirty laundry; some men enjoy buying well-worn panties from anonymous women on the internet. While some meet on subreddits like r/usedpanties, the largest current online platform for this sort of business may arguably be Pantydeal.com. With over 25,000 members the site claims to be the “biggest used panty network there is.” According to company spokesman Paul Richter, one of the features that sets them apart is their assurance that all anonymous members have been checked out internally. “The anonymity of our members is number one, some girls post their profiles with a face, some don’t,” says Richter. “We make sure our members are real, so buyers can avoid scam artists. It’s not like Craigslist or Reddit where everyone can sell completely anonymously, we have an internal verification process to make sure everything is real.”

It may come as a surprise, but the majority of these sellers are non-porn stars. “This niche is getting more and more popular,” says Richter, noting that sellers range from young to old. And, while most sellers and buyers are located in the U.S. and U.K., they have clientele from all over the world. As one might suspect, it’s primarily women selling their worn underwear to interested men for prices they negotiate. Prices vary, all dependant on how many days the underwear is worn—the more days the higher the price, according to Paul. “I don’t know exactly how many panties are sold, but for many girls the profit is around $400 to $700 a month,” says Richter.

Who knew dirty laundry could be so profitable?

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#Pressure

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VERUCA SALT "Laughing In The Sugar Bowl" release

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Veruca Salt are seemingly ready to set the world ablaze with their reunion LP,Ghost Notes. Following last month's preview of album track "Laughing in the Sugar Bowl," the quartet have given the distorted power-pop track a flames-licked video clip. 

The video finds the act blasting out the number together in some sort of antique shop cluttered with some fancy looking junk. In addition to seeing old pals Nina Gordon and Louise Post throw together fabulously entwined guitar harmonies and vocal melodies, we're privvy to the sight of a nostalgic diorama burning in reverse. "Don't look back," Gordon asserts, but it's kind of hard to miss the allusion to the band's classic American Thighs when it's just sitting there in front of us. 

You'll find their scorching new single down below, while Ghost Notes arrives July 10 through El Camino Media. 

Pop-Tarts: JESSIE J "Sorry To Interrupt"

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Want to hear some new music from some Pop-Tarts? No, we're not using an offensive term for Jessie J and Jhené Aiko — we're talking about the mouth-burning toaster pastries that make for one hell of a sugary breakfast treat.

They're the latest company to hop on the awkward music promotion bandwagon with a new song called "Sorry to Interrupt." 

The song features J and Aiko along with British act Rixton, and it was produced by DJ Mustard. It's a relatively innocuous though ultimately forgettable single. That said, if you read the lyric video you'll notice the not-so-subtle Pop-Tart branding throughout. Just think, some poor intern had to assemble and hang all of those fake Pop-Tart gold records. 

If you're hungry for some empty calories, check out the lyric video for "Sorry to Interrupt" below. 

FAST ROMANTICS "Julia" release

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Fast Romantics have an album in the works, and although no confirmed information has been released regarding the planned new collection, the ambitious indie rock outfit have shared a video for the new cut "Julia." 

The exuberant pop-rock song was recorded with producer Gus Van Go (Whitehorse, Hollerado, Said the Whale) in Brooklyn this past winter. The accompanying video uses famed footage from the 1951 film Royal Wedding to show Fred Astaire dancing around a room and onto the ceiling. Thanks to some clever editing, it appears that Fast Romantics are right there in the room with him. 

It was directed by Matthew Angus. It's a follow-up to the lyric video for "Julia," which also featured Astaire. 

Scroll past Fast Romantics' tour schedule to watch the premiere of the clip, and look out for more material from the band to emerge in the fall. 

Tour dates: 

06/20 Toronto, ON - Horseshoe Tavern (NXNE) 
07/09 Edmonton, AB - Mercury Room 
07/10 Calgary, AB - The Palomino 
06/11 White Rock, BC - Concerts at the Pier 
07/14 Victoria, BC - Lucky Bar 
08/07 Toronto, ON - Yonge-Dundas Square 

LAMB OF GOD "512" release

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Upping the ante from the premiere of "512" earlier in the week, thrash mastersLamb of God have now let loose a vengeance-exploring set of visuals for their new metal tune. 

As previously reported, the track seems to be loaded with allusions to vocalist Randy Blythe's time spent in a Czech prison, with lines describing rows of bars and confining walls. Visually, we see a group of kids getting loaded down by the water, only to have the party ground to a halt when they discover the dead body of a friend. What follows is a vigil for the woman, which quickly turns to violence. 

You'll witness the distrust between the friends divided down below. 

Lamb of God's VII: Sturm Und Drang sees release July 24 via Nuclear Blast/Sony. 

ELLIOT MAGINOT "Still Alive" release

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Montreal-based singer-songwriter Elliot Maginot released his first full-lengthYoung/Old/Everything in Between earlier this year, debuting a sound that pulls away from the skate punk of his youth and toys with the dark, folk-tinged, atmospheric dream pop. Now, he's given album cut "Still Alive" the visual treatment — and Exclaim! has got your first look at the brand new clip. 
  
The video features performance footage, interspersed with shots of a young man making his way through city streets late at night. The skyline provides the backdrop for the Maginot and his band, while the pristine cinematography captures even the most minute details. 
  
You can watch the crisp, haunting shots comes together in the video for "Still Alive" in the player below. Young/Old/Everything in Between is out now onIndica Records. 

The video comes in an effort to raise mental health issues, and comes aligned with the Lifeline and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.   
  

CATLOW "Stormsad" release

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Vancouver electro-popsters Catlow shared a couple of brand new cuts earlier this year when they dropped "Lose Control" and "Stormsad." Now, the latter has been given the video treatment, and Exclaim! has got the exclusive premiere. 
  
Directed by Brad McGiveron, the clip sees frontwoman Natasha Thirsk waking up in the midst of a daydream, and wandering down a rabbit hole into a whole other world. The space-themed environment of black holes and twinkling stars provides the perfect accompaniment to the sparkly, melodic synth-pop tune. 
  
The band are officially launching the video this Saturday (June 13) at the Biltmore in Vancouver, where they will be playing with Hot Panda and Owl Skowl, but you can get an advanced look at the clip right now in the player below.