NAKED in Alabama

It is clear that crime in the naked city is down.

Oh wait. That's not it. It's that naked crime is down in the city.

Forgive me.

It was only a few years that naked thieves, larcenists and terrible pantless drivers chafed  at central Alabama. A naked hitchhiker was exposed in Hueytown. He said it was a bum rap.

Another naked man crashed into multiple cars in Hoover before leaping out of his car and streaking into a dry cleaners. He was the butt of jokes.

Over and over again we were beset by naked crime, stripped of our dignity and left feeling raw.

But the best we can do lately on the naked crime front is chase after a man in his birthday suit who set his tripod down on Interstate 459 in order to take pictures of himself. He got away, clean as a whistle. We have barely any bare crime these days.

 

So what gives?

I wanted to peel back the layers, so I asked the regional experts if there has been a drop in naked crime, or if it has gone ... uncovered.

"It just tells you that our crime fighting initiatives are very effective in putting an end to such behavior," said Jefferson County Sheriff's Deputy Chief Randy Christian.

"Wait a minute," he went on. "We don't have any anti-naked initiative, I was thinking about Meth. Ok it has to be that we have strengthened the laws governing naked crime and -voila! -- it worked.  No wait, darn it! Those were illegal alien laws."

Hueytown Police Chief Chuck Hagler gave it some thought.

"I have no answer for the reduction in naked criminal activity," he said. "Perhaps it has something to do with the new open carry laws? I mean, you have to have something to attach your holster to."

You do. You do indeed.

Of course, sheriff's deputies did have to Tase a guy a few years back. He was sans clothes, but he was still packin'.

Somehow, though, the drop in our naked crime rate has done the impossible. It left Christian at a loss for words. Almost.

"I don't know what is wrong with our clothing optional criminals and I sure hope they haven't given up," he said. "These young guns just don't know how to have fun anymore."

But then it came to him.

"Ok I've got it," Christian said. "It's the economy stupid."

But then ...

"Nah that was James Carville's campaign deal. Ok, it has to be Obama's fault? Yeah, that's it, it's the President's fault.

And that's the naked truth.

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