"You put WHAT in my COFFEE?"

A buddy of mine used to regale us with tales of The Dirty Dicker, a co-worker of his who was known for sticking his dirty dick in people's drinks when they weren't around. The term "dirty dickin'" soon became synonymous with anyone who did people a great injustice, i.e. The Wachowskis really dirty dicked us with those Matrix sequels. Apparently this is not a local phenomenon, and has actually now been ruled on by a Minnesota court, who deemed the act inappropriate, but not a sex crime.

According to The Huffington Post (link below), one John Robert Lind has been cleared of criminal sexual charges brought against him by a co-worker, even though he admitted to having "ejaculated into his co-worker's coffee and on her desk at work." The reason:

Minnesota law doesn't cover indirect bodily fluid contact.

In other words, Lind's nondairy creamer doesn't qualify as criminal sexual conduct because he didn't ejaculate directly onto his victim. According to the District Court Judge Patrick Diamond's ruling, "[The charge in part] defines sexual contact as 'the intentional touching with seminal fluid or sperm by the actor of the complainant's body or the clothing covering complainant's body.'"

Luckily, there's a good chance that the law is about to change. Minnesota Bill 889 proposed by Rep. Debra Hilstrom (D-Brooklyn Center) would make "adulteration by bodily fluid" a misdemeanor, tack on a felony if "a person ingests the adulterated substance," and force felony convicts to register as sex offenders.

"Clearly [in Lind's case], prosecutors thought criminal sexual conduct was the most appropriate charge," Hilstrom told HuffPost Crime. "The defendant confessed, so the facts weren’t in question, but the judge had to ask if the action met the definition."

Hilstrom's bill already passed the public safety committee, and hits the House floor today. Soon, she hopes, the action of applying bodily fluid to your co-workers' food will indeed meet a criminal definition.

Jesus, Minnesota, get your shit together. If a dude jerks off into your coffee and then you drink it, he deserves to knock on his neighbors' doors for the rest of his life as far as I'm concerned. 

Via The Huffington Post