1. Getting a pizza delivered to your house. There are a lot of reasons you'll probably never actually have sex with the person who is bringing food to your house. In porn, it's always "Oh, I ordered a pizza but forgot I don't have money. Can I pay you in fucking?" But even assuming you actually get someone delivering pizza who's of age, here's why you still couldn't ask them if it's too late to order "extra sausage."
- The delivery person probably has other deliveries to make. If they're having sex with you, those pizzas are getting cold and they're going to be late. They're really screwing up your day.
- What is the delivery person going to tell their boss when they get back? Sure, it's great for them that they just got laid, but it's not like they can tell their boss, "It's cool. We had sex. Also, no one else got their food." Your one delivery boy getting laid doesn't cover overhead costs. At all.
- You are probably hungry. You probably just want to eat the pizza.
2. Calling the plumber. You take an entire day off work because the plumber gave you a 10-hour window, and he shows up with five minutes left. As you answer the door, you realize you didn't need to waste a day of work, because you're usually home by now anyway. He stays for 15 minutes and charges you $3,000 for 15 minutes of work. This isn't an attack on plumbers. They work hard, they have a lot of jobs to do in a given day, and their level of expertise means they can charge whatever they want. But there is nothing sexy about that situation. You are angry and your sink is clogged. There's no way you're like, "Yo, let me get on that.
3. Trying to get extra credit from your professor. In real life, your professor hates you and wants you to leave. The only way you're walking out of that classroom with a satisfied look on your face is if he decides to bump you up to a B-.
4. Getting in a fight with your stepmom. For some reason in porn, stepmothers always turn to their stepsons to tell them they're not getting laid enough and then they ... have sex? Your real-life stepmom is probably a pretty OK lady who doesn't have fake boobs.
5. Going for a checkup at the doctor. The only one screwing you here is your health insurance amirite? LOLOLOLOL. But seriously, you're spending an hour and a half in a waiting room while you watch a muted Maury episode soundtracked by three people who won't stop coughing. Your doctor is, like, 90 and for some reason, sitting on that weird thin paper mat they use makes you feel vulnerable. It is always cold. Even if you have an attractive doctor who you're interested in, there is no way you stand a chance after showing them the weird lump you have growing out of your side.
6. Paying the babysitter. Your babysitter just wants you to tip her so she can leave and tweet about how lame you are and then Snapchat all her friends while she drinks wine coolers and pops Addys. You are basically her dad. Also, porn movies with this premise are pretty disturbing because most babysitters are, like, 16. Way to go.
7. Having a review with your boss. The boss in porn is always sexy and toned and apparently has no fear of getting in trouble for nepotism. In real life, your boss is an old, married person who has the sex appeal of a cockroach (an unsexy cockroach).
8. Going to the gym. You think after spending an hour getting hot and sweaty with you while touching your taut muscles, your personal trainer is going to want to ... alright, this one is actaually pretty accurate.
No comments:
Post a Comment